Harmony at Home


Dealing With ‘Defiance’


Posted on February 12th, by clare in News, Parenting Help. No Comments

Dealing With ‘Defiance’

Every day parents are faced with refusal to cooperate.  You make a request and are either ignored or actively resisted.

 

This is often referred to as defiance.

 

What is Defiance?

 

Do we call adults Defiant? What would we call an adult?

 

Resistant, stubborn, certain, sure of themselves?

 

It is a phrase that we tend to apply only to children.

 

What we really mean is “I can’t get them to do what I want”.

 

What causes defiance?

 

  • Emotions
  • Overstimulated
  • Feeling Powerless
  • Parent says ‘NO’ too often …. When ‘No’ really means ‘Yes’ your children will wait until the ‘Yes’ is certain.
  • Immature understanding of what is required, expectations of others and boundaries
  • Rise in adrenalin/cortisol levels
  • Parental stress
  • Weak parenting
  • Angry parenting
  • Habitual way of relating
  • Resentment
  • Wanting to be in control

 

sad mother and daughter back to back

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How do you normally handle defiant behaviour?

 

What happens?

 

If  ‘defiant’ was a language you had to decipher – what might the words be? I always like to think of what the other person could be expressing and this helps to eliminate the personalisation or reaction to their words.

 

What their resistance is really saying:

 

I don’t like

I don’t understand

I don’t want to

I need help

I’m stressed

I’m confused

I don’t agree

 

We tend to overlook these hidden messages and take the behaviour personally and react or you may try to force the child to cooperate.

 

In order to motivate the child to cooperate, listen to them and validate their feelings about the situation.

 

Of course you can only guess at how they might be feeling, but if you are incorrect they will tell you otherwise.

 

You seem reluctant?

You don’t agree

You need help

You’re upset that we are leaving the park

You’re confused?

 

Staying calm – a child is relying on us to help them control their emotions or show them what to do. They constantly look to us for help. Our heart rate can actually have a physical impact on the heart rate of our child by staying calm.

Model compliance – do what they ask more often. Don’t ‘just a minute’ too much.

Say ‘Yes’ more often

Don’t ever take it personally – you lose sight of your child when you make it about you. They are not against you, they are FOR themselves and simply feel that their needs are more significant in the moment.  Children need help to understand what is required of them and why it is important to you.

Responding with stress teaches children to respond with stress

Responding with anger will teach them to respond with anger

Listening to resistance really is the key.

 

Don’t be wishy washy, be firm but kind. When you are hesitant in asking or not connected when you make a request (shouting from another room for example) you cannot know if your child has understood what you need.

 

Ask children what they need to succeed – how can you help?

 

Children need boundaries that are appropriate, straightforward and applied with kindness.

 

When you set the bar too high and ask things such as ‘Clean your room’ – this is a vague request and the child will complete the task according to their understanding of it.

 

Celebrate any achievements, say ‘Thank You’ and then ask for additional things to be done instead of criticising the effort made.  This helps children to feel competent and successful and that their efforts are valued.  (After all isn’t this how WE would like to feel?)

 

Effective families experience much less resistance and represent a well oiled machine where everyone knows their part and what is required of them and when.

 

Learning how to listen and become a more effective parent will completely transform the way your family acts and feels towards each other.

 

Call me on 0418914871 if you would like to know more about how to have a happier family.

 

Good luck.





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