When I was little, I thought my Mum was beautiful, glamorous – unreachable, like a movie star. When she was putting her make up on to go out, I used to watch her from the doorway, hair in a beehive and mascara that was a little black cake that she would wet with her spit.

When my mum laughed, lighting up a room and being happy and even more beautiful, she was with her friends, not with me.

I seemed to make her tired and angry, agitated and full of sighs.

At home she was sad and distant, always cleaning and folding and full of “not now’s”, “go away’s”,  “I’m busy’s” and “in a minute’s” that never came.

All I wanted was for her to look at me with love instead of a critical eye, I wanted her to find fabulous and not fault.

I craved a kind touch and words of encouragement but instead I got smacks and blame and those head shaking looks of disappointment.

Little girls should be seen and not heard – like a dress up doll.

I grew up wondering what was wrong with me, after all, if my own mother didn’t seem to like me very much – who else could?

I so wanted to make her happy. I tried by being as good as I could – always trying and always feeling like a pesky fly that got swatted away, over and over again.

I gave up trying eventually.

Twice, I attempted to give up completely – what was the point if you couldn’t find anyone to give your love to?

My mum became lovely a bit later in life, she went to classes, got counselling, apologised a lot, constantly tells me how proud she is of me and has shared her deepest fears and regrets.

She tells me all the time that I deserved a lovely Mum and wishes she had woken up sooner.

What I’m grateful for is that she became the lovely Mum I’d always wanted. I got her eventually and I’m so very, very glad. I love my Mum. I always did – I just wasn’t able to give it to her because she didn’t know how to receive it.

Without my Mum, I wouldn’t be doing a job I love – helping parents to find their lovely.

Be lovely – you and your child need it now.

child childhood guilt Love Mother parenting Self Esteem shame smack