Save Time Solving Problems – Siblings, You, Children
How much time do you spend every day solving problems for everyone including siblings fighting, petty issues or just doing more than you need to?
If you are sick of hearing “Mum, Mum, Mum!” There are some easy time saving solutions you can use to help your children, siblings (and partners) to become more responsible and more cooperative and take the pressure off you to fix everything.
Every day I see parents making much more work for themselves than is necessary.
They take on everyone’s problems thinking that it is easier in the short term to solve them and move on with the day. It can seem this way but in the long term you will have your time cut out for you.
By doing this you also deprive children of the chance to become creative problem solvers and they become reliant on you to be the ‘expert’ on their lives. This is particularly true with siblings as it can also create resentment or rivalry between children.
Happy Kids
Another problem with this is that your solution will often backfire and create resentment, dependency or sibling rivalry and a sense of unfairness and then you end up with even more of a time wasting battle.
Most household conflicts are because of differences in values or needs and no one is right or wrong for needing different things at different times.
What I think is necessary may not be important to those around me and vice versa.
So what can you do instead of being the ‘go to’ problem solver and how can you communicate what you need in a way that gets children to listen?
1. Learn To Really Listen
This is a skill that can take time to learn and a little time to put into practise but is THE biggest timesaver I have encountered.
We can think that we are good listeners but when we have an agenda, we often forget to just hear. When you children come to you with a problem or siblings are fighting – Listen, not just to the words, but also to the feeling that you are being gifted with. When your children come to you, delight in their presence and tell them neutrally and without BLAME what you heard them say in your own words.
“You are unhappy that your brother took your things”
“You are frustrated that you can’t find your shoes”
“You can’t think of anything to do and you feel bored”
Even if they ask you lots of questions – you don’t have to answer them all!
“You’ve been thinking about that”
“You’re wondering what that means”
This approach really is magic. You find out so much more about your children and their thoughts, feelings, needs and frustrations. They give you more details if you don’t jump in and assume you know what they are telling you and why and what they need (based on your adult experience).
When in doubt smile and nod and say nothing.
This kind of (YOU) response tells the person that you know THEY have a problem they would like to solve.
2. Know when it is your problem
If you are asking for something, it is likely your problem. What someone else is doing may be causing you to be upset, but ultimately you have to express it from your own perspective.
What I mean by this is that how we ask for help makes a huge difference in how willing people are to cooperate.
We are HIGHLY TRAINED in thinking that by being critical or blameful that somehow children will magically understand what we require of them and cooperate.
We say things like ‘You always/You never/You should/You shouldn’t/Do this/Do that/Why don’t you/You’re so….” expecting that children will care enough to act.
When have you ever felt like responding to someone who was making you feel bad?
3. Communicate your needs differently
By learning to speak from your heart and from your own needs you can expect a different response. It isn’t selfish to express yourself in a way that is honest and direct. It is a relief for those around you as they no longer need to be mind readers.
There are easy formulas for asking for help to save time reminding
When……..Then
When I have to ask 3 times for the dishes to be put away then I get frustrated and grumpy because I need space when I’m trying to cook dinner.
and
I feel………When……..Because
I feel upset that the dishes aren’t put away when we had an agreement because it makes more work for me and I don’t want extra work.
or you can spell it out in advance – This is what I need because it means that………
Tomorrow I have to go to work early and I need to be on time because it is an important meeting. Can we get everything ready now so we are prepared?.
As long as these requests are factual, about you and non blameful you are much more likely to get cooperation and save time.
By owning your own needs and allowing your children their own unique needs you can each become the expert on your own problems.
Try these great timesaving relationship tips. Own your problems and let your children own theirs.
DELIGHT in your children coming to you for help as you would a much loved friend, smile, thank them for asking and remember to model self-responsibility.
Where would you like to save time?
If you need any more information please give me a call or email me, I’m happy to help.
Clare Christie
Parenting Coach & Owner at
Harmony At Home
enquiries@harmonyathome.com.au
www.harmonyathome.com.au
OR find me on Facebook and join the community for daily tips and blogs to make parenting easier www.facebook.com/GetHarmonyAtHome
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